Everyone, it’s official. After being together for over four months, winter and I are finally breaking up. I have so many things I want to say to you, winter. Most of my feelings can be eloquently captured by the words of my close personal friend, Beyoncé. For example: “To the left, to the left.” And also, “You must not know ‘bout me, you must not know ‘bout me.” You have broken my heart, chapped my lips, and ruined my boots with your snow and salt. And for that, I simply cannot forgive you.
So winter, if you’re reading this, here are just a few of the reasons why we are breaking up:
In wintertime, the gigantic Lake Michigan-sized puddle outside my apartment building (a.k.a. my parking spot) transforms into a magical ice rink! One day, Indianapolis was having a freakishly warm and windy day (it was 28 whole degrees!) My parking lot ice rink began to form cracks and soon, the blustery winds were sending giant shards of ice flying all over the downtown Indianapolis area! It was just like that scene from Frozen, except with murderous ice knives. And instead of looking over a mountain, I was looking over a gas station. Magic is real!
I walked outside (it was -20 with a wind chill of -46) and my eyeballs froze… I’m not over this.
I had to use a kitchen broom to shovel my parking lot. I had great intentions of buying an actual shovel, but when I went into the hardware store to buy one, the man at the cash register put on his patronizing hat and said, “You look lost little lady.” Ughhhhhh. So out of spite, I didn’t buy the shovel and instead I spent a whole winter courageously sweeping two feet of snow off my car with my broom. It’s not always easy being a feminist icon, but I try.
My usual short cuts on campus were blocked by gigantic snowdrifts, forcing me to WALK MORE! The horror.
Anyone who has lived in a snow-prone location knows about the amazing phenomenon that occurs the morning after a snowstorm wherein the sun shines like sooooo much. All around you, the ground is coated in a layer of crisp, white, highly reflective snow, and all you can do to defend yourself against the glare is to make a ridiculous squinty face all day long.
To winter, if you are reading this… it’s not me, it’s you. This relationship has run its course and it is time for us both to move on. And since you asked, yes, there is someone else… and her name is Spring.
Until next time!
At least you were good-looking!